I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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