We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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