I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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