Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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