Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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