After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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