How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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