she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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