Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
