I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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