Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
