I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
