i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
