My liver just broke up with me...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
