tell your sister to shave her snatch
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Four minutes until I can fart!
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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