Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
