He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
