I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I want a musical about memes.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
