woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
