I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
