I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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