my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
