I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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