I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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