If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
