my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
