you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
