Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
