I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
