I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
