Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
