To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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