did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
