Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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