You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
