After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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