So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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