If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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