Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
