I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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