I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
