From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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