hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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