I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
