Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
