when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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