At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
