There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
