i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
