So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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