I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
