If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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