I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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