I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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