My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
