You're my little dorito
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
